Diogenes’s Invectives

The Child Martyrs

Atlas – Air France n°89 – November 1973

When one is soft-hearted, as I am, it is no use trying to change. And being soft-hearted, there is no one I despise more than a torturer, especially when his victim is weak.

There were three of us the other day, riding alone together in the Metro during an off-hour: a woman, her little girl of three or four, and I. I perceived at once that this was a child martyr. She was shrieking as she entered the Metro. She shrieked louder when her mother took her in her lap. “I want to get down!”, she howled, her face convulsed with despair. The mother put her down. “I want a piece of candy!”, bawled the poor child again. The mother took one out and handed it to her. The shrieking increased by several decibels: “not that piece!”

I attentively observed this horrible specimen of humanity. I refer to the mother, of course. At first sight, she did not appear capable of such barbarity. She was a little pale, with a sad, far-off expression. Oh, she played her game well. At each explosion of shrieking, she sighed and pretended to look timidly at her surroundings.

— Madam, I said sternly, this little drama must be brought to an end. Why do you persist in tormenting an innocent child?

— Waaaaaaa…hhh, confirmed her daughter. Very paternally, I picked the little girl up and held her on my lap. She tried to free herself, but I kept a firm grasp. Surprised, she stopped shrieking and stared at me with her lovely blue eyes. I smiled at her.

— Why are you crying, my little pet?

As if on cue, she opened her mouth as wide as possible and let forth the most ear-shattering scream of her repertory. I gave her a spank, sat her down on my knees, and once again smiled at her paternally. She had stopped crying, and was looking at me with disbelief.

— She’s astonished, I explained to her mother. That’s already a sign of progress. Astonishment is less traumatic than despair.

However, she was not yet completely consoled, for after pondering the situation a moment, she began to shriek again. I spanked her again. This time, she fell silent, picked up the piece of candy that she had thrown away before, and sat down across from me. After gazing at me for a long time, she finally ventured a smile, which I returned. At last she was happy. And I too, for I like to spread happiness around me. And the mother too, which goes to show that a few judicious spankings might have done her a world of good.■

Diogenes